Sometimes a choice is more than a choice. It's a war.
I have been at war with making choices my entire life. Most choices are a battle for me. I put on my helmet, my armor, get out my sword and shield, and I fight the choice to the death.
Do I go to the movies? Or do I stay home? Clang.
This debate has literally balled me up on the floor for hours until I miss every movie and finally end up relieved because the choice gets made for me.
Well, sort of.
I still made the choice. I chose to be confused and conflicted, and ultimately, not to go.
Because I didn’t go. So, in the end, the reality is, I chose not to go. I just chose whilst being tormented instead of calmly declaring, ‘I’m not going’.
This mental tornado routine has consistently burned me out so bad that I can’t do anything but lie in bed because then I don’t have to feel guilty for doing or not doing any particular thing. If I am in a state of collapse, I MUST rest. No choice about it.
For most of my life, collapse was the only thing that allowed me to be easy with myself.
But it doesn’t lead to an enjoyable life, that’s for sure.
Why have choices been so hard for me?
Well, there’s a few layers to this.
1. I regretted my past.
On some unconscious level, I regretted everything I had ever done in one form or another. So I already was regretting what I might do.
What if I had gone down the other road? What would have had happened? Did I get it wrong? And if so, where did I go wrong?
The problem with this debate is, if I had gone down the other path I would have wondered, ‘why didn’t I go down the path I actually ended up going down to begin with’?
If I make the wrong choice, I feel guilty. If I make the right choice, well, wait, how do I know it was the right choice? Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was the wrong choice. Shit!
"Fucking choices! Fuck you, choices!" Incoming!
2. I don’t care that much about most of the outcomes.
I have always felt some connection to something far beyond this world -- as faint as it was for awhile -- it has grown a lot as I have evolved.
I have always kind of known all I really want is to be at peace. It's why I did heroin, but hey, that's for another time.
And because of this I have known that most of what we do doesn’t really matter. At least, not in the sense we think it does.
My God, that sounds depressing. But it’s not.
It doesn’t mean life is empty and meaningless. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have significance or value, or make contributions, or that nothing we do has any effect on life or anyone around us. It doesn't mean that AT ALL.
It just means that in the end, it’s all a game. It’s an experience. The choice is to have an experience. There is no right or wrong.
So why stress over what I eat for dinner? Or whether or not I went to college? Or even how I probably shouldn't have killed that guy? Well, ok, maybe not that. And I didn't kill anyone. Not in this life at least. Anyway, sounds like it should easily work out.
But the reality we live in makes you choose between a lot of things you generally don’t care about. And if you just scream, "I DON’T CARE," too many times, really loudly, you end up not being able to pay your bills cuz you lose your job again, don’t pay your taxes, don’t get dressed for 6 days and end up...well, you get it.
So, a lot of times, you need to sort of act like you care when you don’t. Which is annoying. Because people can tell you’re faking. And it's exhausting to pretend like you care when you don't. Just credit yourself for being authentic if people can tell you don't care.
Of course these scenarios mostly only occur if you're not truly at peace with yourself.
Making Peace with Your Choices
When you look back in time, and regret a choice you made, it doesn’t make any sense.
We think it does. But we’re wrong. Because you are stating that the issue you have is in the past. It’s in the choice you made or didn't make. But it isn’t.
If you regret the choices you made in the past, you can attempt to rectify this by attempting to make different choices in the present. You can learn from your choices and experiences. And this is an excellent approach, if it helps you make peace with your actual decision.
But if you STILL regret choices you already MADE, it won’t make much of a difference.
Because if you regret the past, you regret NOW. You regret yourself. You regret who you are, NOW. Which also makes no sense. Because regret IS the past.
You can’t change the choice; you can only change how you feel about the choice. How you feel about the choice in the past is how you feel about the choice in the present. Which is how you feel about the next choice you will or won’t make.
‘If I had only then...’ we think.
No, if you had only then, you would still be the same person you are now.
You were who you were and made choices based on that. You were who you are.
No matter what choice you would have made, for example, maybe you would have married a different person, maybe you would have gotten a different job, you still would have been where you are now. The surroundings might a look a little different. But, ultimately, in the grandest sense, it wouldn’t have mattered much.
You can only change who you are NOW. And no matter where you are and where you have been, you can ALWAYS change NOW.
The Cure to Indecision
Dolores Cannon talked about how every time we make a choice, or don’t, every choice we did or didn’t make plays out in another reality/dimension.
You went to the movies. You stayed home. You went to the movies and then left early. Halfway to the movies you said "fuck it, let's go to Brazil." All of these happened no matter what you consciously remember doing.
So, you see, there is no reason to ever regret anything you did, because you also didn’t do it. And there is no reason to ever regret anything you didn’t do, because you also did it.
And all of those realities leave you with who you are now. They always would have and they always will.
To change ALL the choices you ever made, and all the choices you will make, you change how you feel about the choices NOW.
And to go beyond that, the choices are irrelevant.
Change how you feel about yourself, and the choices all become a reflection of that. You will make better ones because you will have already made better ones.
Choose to learn from your choices, but choose wisely. And know that it is you who chooses what you choose to learn.
Choose to learn that you never did anything wrong.
Choose to learn that every experience is relevant. Choose to learn that whatever you wish you didn't do at some point you would have done anyway, and already did, so be glad you got it out of the way.
Choose to learn that everything can heal with only your choice to heal it. Choose to learn that karma is bullshit as soon as you realize all you have to do is let it go. Choose to learn that most people don't know what they're talking about, even if they do, because they aren't you. :) It's a relief to respect everyone and not have to listen to them at the same time.
Choose to learn that you don't owe anyone anything. And you never did.
Choose to learn that there is no such thing as indecision, only a lack of love for yourself.
All roads lead you to you. And you were never going to go anywhere else anyway.
Not because life isn't full of experiences. But because the experiences are full of you.